Self Discovery

I’ve been wanting to write a post about this for a while but really didn’t know how to start or really what to say but… things happen in your life and you just start to think (and sometimes your husband points things out that you didn’t notice hehe) and decipher more into how you think.

(This might be a big explanation on some of it but I feel like to understand how my crazy brain works I need to cover a few things)

Firstly, in my younger days I was neglected and I did a lot of personal work on myself to try and counter the damage left behind (and no, it was nothing terribly bad my parents just don’t quite understand what all it takes to take care of children and I will leave it at that) and it was emotionally painful. You literally have to dig and figure out bad habits that you’ve developed over the years and figure out the why which leads to the cause and ultimately you have to start repairing all of it. Biggest thing is acknowledging it and willingness to change. I’m glad I figured it out in my twenties instead of my forties like most people. The hardest part for me was realizing the problems and it wasn’t fixed just by knowing it. It was a long process in changing everything.

With that said, when you’re neglected I would say most of the time you have no idea. You’re a kid, you’re living your life or what you know it to be. “That’s just how it is,” comes to mind because when you’re a kid how do you know the difference? You think differently as a kid and ironically enough it’s hard to notice even in your teens when your mind starts to change and you notice more because like attracts like. If you were raised like I was, you were drawn to people that were raised the same and that’s exactly how I did. Not all of my friends but the ones I was the closest to were like that. Please know, I feel most parents do the best that they could and I’ve come to accept that because sometimes it’s hard not to have resentment build up.

I myself know, my mom and dad did the best of their ability with being my parents. The crappy part about neglect/dysfunction is that it starts with someone and it gets passed down through the generations but the cool thing, is it only takes 1 person to stop it. So I say all of this so you can know how I felt all the time; what my “normal” was. I don’t remember a lot of stuff in my younger years because I just blocked a lot of it away. I never felt good about myself. I would put up a front so people thought I did. My best explanation though is being on the outside looking into my life as things happened. I thought that was normal. It doesn’t seem like a big deal but here’s an example:

When I was in high school we had a group of friends. I’m from a really small school, my graduating glass I think was 17 students? Anyway, there were about 7 or 8 of us in the group of friends and we were most of the time friends through our grade school years, middle school, and high school and even though I was “in” the group I never once felt like I was. I played my part as always but… I never felt accepted on the inside; it was always that “outside looking in” feeling.  So now that I’m a different person for the better, anytime I run into those friends from the past I feel like a dancing monkey trying to be friends with them. If you want to understand check out this poem.

I, of course, have never noticed this about myself until now. After you’ve repaired the damage every once in awhile the issues pop up on you again. (Which is annoying by the way since you thought you had “fixed that”) I’ve tried over the years to give people a chance and I’ve realized that we’ve grown apart and don’t share the same ideas of life and I’ve slowly eliminated them from my call list but honestly, I like giving people the benefit of the doubt. Not to mention, I have this annoying habit probably like most people that I just forget the last instance that I spent time with people and I’m so excited to get to visit with them… All the bad crap goes out the window.

(I’ve thought about giving more detail in this post but I think I’ll just remain vague since what if people took offense and all that?)

My discovery is this: 1. I resorted back to my old habit of being a “dancing monkey.” Trying to be friends with the so called “popular kid” and 2. Just because I’ve changed and I’m a better person, I shouldn’t expect it of anyone else. 3. Just because I can be a good friend, doesn’t mean other people expect that as well.

I will say this though, if I’m making an effort to be your friend or helpful or we have a conversation about different things and maybe to be nice you agree then ignore me any time I text you after that point… I don’t care how busy a person is, a text takes a few seconds and it shows that you’re a nice person. I think of a scripture from the Bible “Just let your word ‘Yes’ mean yes, your ‘No,’ no, for what goes beyond these is from the wicked one.” –Matt 5:37 Does that not mean anything to anyone? You would cause less hurt just being honest rather than to pointedly ignore someone on purpose.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and try and think the best of people and try to be courteous to people in general. I value friendship, I make as much effort as I possibly can to make things work because all relationships don’t just happen on their own.

I got upset over this situation and my husband reminded me that this happened in the past with this person and it always ends with me trying to make a friendship happen and them not trying and a few years pass and it plays out again.

I had to take a step back and think… He is right. I do have to say, I already have a true friend/best friend that will always stick by my side and that is my husband. He knows me better than anyone else and it’s nice to have someone to know what you’ve been through and has been through it with you. I’m glad he remembers all of this because I definitely have to be reminded. Some people just aren’t friend material and that’s fine. I don’t hold it against them or anything and I’m not calling them out at all; but at least I’m aware of it now and I can’t get hurt again. On the other hand, I could be totally wrong and misreading the situation but it’s hard to say when you are ignored.  In the end, I still made a self discovery and learned I needed to work on some things I thought I already dealt with.

Sorry if this was an over explained mushy post but I wanted to get it off my chest. Has anyone else been in this situation before?